
      Great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to
become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to
write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react
to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry,
and howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


      ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Microsoft Announces New, Configurable Blue Screen of Death!

In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer
revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers
and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death
(BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer
surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked,
"What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?"

A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of
Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place
answer "Downloading XXXScans" by an easy 12 points.

"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves,
our channel partners, and especially our customers," explained the
excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable
BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select
from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a
Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and
multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the
BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and
entertainment to Windows users.

The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating
system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total
control over its look and feel. This recent
departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the
Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default,
the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft
product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel
partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the
BSOD on systems they ship.

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already
lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.

Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community.
"This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much
faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that
GNU/Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Foot-and-mouth virus

Atlanta, Ga.

Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus
Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be
spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the
first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through
Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected,"
said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will
save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we
have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were
spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture
Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has
recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook,
which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You,"
"Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden
University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that
as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies
in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a
blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting
that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven
virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free
VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to
foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but
Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more
humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter
ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I
told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"


      ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Microsoft Keyboard revealed!

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed
specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard
keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make
your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:

    1.GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection
Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of
the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run
an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
    2.$$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for
further action or third party intervention.
    3.ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of
Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows
within the file being edited.
    4.MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing
for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
    5.FUD key--Self explanatory.
    6.Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
    7.IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      The last man without Windows 95

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.

- "Not you again," I said.
- "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows
95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince
every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some
would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought
it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it.

I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95.

And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't
take no for an answer.

- "No," I said.
- "You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows95
from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
- "Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go
bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who
doesn't have a copy."
- "Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
- "You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I
said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own
Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who
have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there
are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

- "Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
- "Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on
about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our
records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
- "People without computers?"
- "Got 'em."
- "Amazonian Indians?"
- "We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
- "The Amish."
- "Check."
- "Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get
them to buy a computer operating system?"
- "We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box,"
the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all
going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a
minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said.
"The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
- "So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you
expect me to do it, too?"
- "If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
- "No."
- "Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell
you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on
your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
- "No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And
frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean,
it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you
guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
- "It did."
- "Pardon?"
- "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button
access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
- "So what happened?"
- "Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard
drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we
couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
- "Go away," I said.
- "I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
- "You have got to be kidding," I said.
- "Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish!
Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had.
We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsylvania again.
But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's
embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's
embarassing to BILL."
- "Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
- "He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of
those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of
those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of
grey ash."
- "He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95
by accident."
- "Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man
said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me
no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you
handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does
Montserrat sound?"
- "Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
- "It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
- "Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of
Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the
market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do
then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

- "'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"
- "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a
laser, and then nothing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Baby Gates

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft
shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces
when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26, at 6:11 pm.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without A LOT of third party
support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which
preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow
and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone can produce
one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and
the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Air conditioning

Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you
open windows.


      ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      August 24th

August 24th: Day of Ruin

    * MT. Vesuvius Destroys Pompeii, 79 AD
    * Fall of Rome, 410 AD
    * British Burn D.C., 1812
    * Windows 95 Released, 1995

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Backdoor

"I'd say the probability of Windows containing a backdoor is about
the same a spreadsheet containing a flight simulator." -- Phil Hunt

/(There is a simple flight simulator hidden in MS Excel.)/

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      A Long time Ago, in a Galaxy far, far away...

- Luke: "You used to program."
- Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."
- Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer.  He was a custodian at
Lockheed-Martin."
- Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you.  He didn't hold with your
father's ideals.  He thought he should go to work. Not gotten a degree."
- Luke: "I wish I had known him."
- Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems
programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good hacker
yourself.  And he was a good friend.  For over ten years the systems
programmers created user interfaces.  Before the dark times. Before
Microsoft."
- Luke: "How did my father die?"
- Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student
until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft and
helped destroy the intuitive user interface.  He betrayed and murdered
the Macintosh.  Gates was seduced by the Dark Side of Money."
- Luke: "Money?"
- Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an
exchange system created by human beings.  It surrounds us. Works for
us.  Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted
you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow
it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade."
- Luke: "What is it?"
- Ben: "It's an object modeling tool.  The weapon of a systems
programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser.  An elegant
compiler for a more civilized age."

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      A Long time Ago, in a Galaxy far, far away...

- Luke: Obi-Wan! You told me that the Macintosh was a dead platform.
- Ben: Macintosh was seduced by the dark side. It ceased to truly be
Apple and became an aspect of Microsoft. When that happened, the good
system which was the Macintosh was destroyed. So what I have told you
was true... from a certain point of view.
- Luke: A certain point of view!
- Ben: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to
depend greatly on our own point of view.
- Luke: There's still good in the Macintosh.
- Ben: I also thought it could be turned back to the good side. It
couldn't be done. It is more machine now than interface. Twisted and evil.
- Luke: I can't abandon the Macintosh platform.
- Ben: Then Bill has already won. You were our only hope.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Roswell

ROSWELL, N.M. (AP) -- Today, the United States Air Force issued a
long-awaited report about the "Roswell Incident" in which some people
claim that software from Microsoft functioned correctly in Roswell, New
Mexico in 1947. As expected, the government's 261-page report denied
that there had ever been any evidence that this had ever happened,
despite eyewitness reports to the contrary. The report claims that what
witnesses actually saw was an experimental Macintosh running a variation
of Unix, or perhaps an experimental Unix machine using a form of the MacOS.

Although the official Air Force position is that this is their final
report on the matter, long-time Microsoft devotees are not satisfied.
"We know it really happened," said Gil Bates, spokesman for a group of
Microsoft enthusiasts who call themselves "The .exe-files". The group's
claim of having seen Windows run without crashing is tainted by the
revelation earlier this year that some members had falsified evidence by
doctoring output from standard Unix utilities and passing it off as
authentic Windows data files.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Light bulbs

Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry
standard.

Q. How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four. One to change it, one to rewire the socket so that Netscape
light bulbs won't work in it, one to rewrite Sun's light bulbs into
something unrecognizable (and non-functional), and one to convince the
justice department that all Microsoft light bulbs are conforming to
anti-trust laws.

Q. How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light  bulb?
A. Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft 
gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      The End of Days

God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three
influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates. "The
human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one
week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another
crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news,"
he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news
is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news
and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a god after
all. The worse news is God's mad and is
going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have
good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of
the three most influential men on Earth," he
beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95."

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Dictionary

Windows 95: n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by
a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of
competition.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. -- Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corporation announced today
it will be acquiring the Federal Government of the United States of
America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of
our growth," said Microsoft chairman and CEO Bill Gates. "It's a
positive arrangement for everyone."

Microsoft representatives held a briefing at the Oval Office with US
President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes to
US Government policy will be "minimal." The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corp. An initial
public offering is planned for July 4 of next year, and the Federal
Government is expected to be profitable by 1999, according to Microsoft
president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, President Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as vice president
of USA Operations with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United
States government, reporting directly to Microsoft chairman and CEO Bill
Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive
authority, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on
to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and that US citizens
should offer Gates their "full support and confidence."

In his new role at Microsoft, Clinton will reportedly be earning several
times the $200,000 annually he currently earns as US president. Gates
dismissed a rumor that the US Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly,"
though he did say he would make executive decisions for the US
government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.

Gates did say, however, that the US House and Senate would "of course"
be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy," Gates said, "yet look how
well we're doing." When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of
Canada was proceeding, Gates would only say that Microsoft doesn't
comment on unannounced products.

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in
government services, discounts on all Microsoft products, and the
immediate arrest of all executive officials of Sun Microsystems Inc. and
Netscape Corp.

About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and
personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and
more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of
personal computing and mostly free society every day.

About the United States
Founded in 1776, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy
and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, DC, the
United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks
of Microsoft Corporation.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      At the Brussels Police Department

- Brussels police department, how may I assist you?
- Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.
- Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?
- No
- Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your
name?
- Bill Gates
- Country?
- The USA
- Native language?
- English.
- Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use
this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the
face with a pie?
- Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One
person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.
- We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a
custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?
- Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard,
so I really don't think it was a custard pie.
- Have you visited the Prime Minister before?
- Yes
- Were you hit in the face with a pie then?
- No
- Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?
- Yes
- Any pies then?
- No
- Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in
again. I'll wait.
- Just a minute.." (several minutes pass) "Okay, I'm back.
- Did you get hit by another pie?
- Of course not
- Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it
looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem,
though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the
situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police
Department. (click)

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Bill Gates Goes to Hell

Eventually Bill dies and goes to St Peter... St Peter is embarrased.
"I don't know what to do with you Bill ... you put a PC in every
household ... on the other hand you made windows 95. So I tell you what
... just chose between heaven and hell"
Bill goes "Really, I can chose?"
"Yes pick one" Peter says.
Bill who is very professionnal: "Ok, can I visit both before deciding?"
"Ok, just go's on. What do you want to start with?"
Bill: "... why not start with hell?"
And then they both went to hell.
Magnificient. Great beaches, plenty sun and naked women every where,
smiling at Bill.
"That looks wonderfull" Bill says. Now how about heaven?
Then then went to heaven. Magnificient. Great beaches, plenty sun, just
no naked women
"Ok" Bill says, "I pick hell then."
After a week St Peter decided to visit Bill who was sent to Hell The
poor guy was on the floor, screaming, scratching the ground with his
nails. He shouted at St Peter: "No no no! I Can't stand it no more!"
"What's wrong" St Peter asked?
Bill goes "I don't understand, there is nothing to do with what I saw
the first time"
"Where is the beach? The naked women?"
And St Peter:
"That was just a demo."

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1.They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as
they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows
does that, too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on
most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they
tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      If Microsoft Made Cars

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response
to Bill's comments General Motors issued a press release stating the
following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of
RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and
type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.
2. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would
have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.
3. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.
4. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
5. Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"
6. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and
would take 5 minutes to boot up.
7. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to
memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".
8. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that
year- instead of before it.
9. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their
engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point
fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you
could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with
bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
10. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
11. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
12. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
13. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for
Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
14. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced
by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.
15. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as
reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
16. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
17. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats
and a new engine.
18. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you
would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
18b. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and
fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some
strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.
19. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to
buy a new car.
20. People would get excited about the new features of the latest
Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available
from other car makers for years.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


      The Borg Meet Bill Gates

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

- Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"
- Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

    (Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

- Riker: (looks puzzled.) "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"
- Data: (turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."
- Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
- Data: "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
- Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

    . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

- Data: "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the
Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all
available resources. However,  we have not received any confirmation of
the expected `upgrade'."
- Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to
compensate for their increase."
- Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed."
- Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
`upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan
by not sending in their registration cards."
- Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F ...."
- Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly
dropped to 0% !"
- Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
- Data: (studying displays) "Appearently the Borg have found the
internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all
available CPU capacity."
- Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

       . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

- Riker: "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"
- Geordi: "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called
the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.
- Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
- Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."
- Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
- Picard: "Identify."
- Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo..."
- (Over the speakers:) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
- Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
- Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
- Riker: "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight
toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive
the tortures of deep space?!"
- Data: "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits."
- Riker and Picard: (together - horrified) "Lawyers!!"
- Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
- Data: "True, but appearently some must have survived."
- Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."
- Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It
often proves fatal."
- Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
- Picard: "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the
Borg doesnt deserve such a gruesome death!"


